fionnuisce | kaisou inbox

[The more things change the more things squeak the same.

Thankfully for Waver the place wasn't that big so yes, Diarmuid would put him down but only once they got to bed. And not in the fun way.]

I apologize [he's not sorry] but if you will not step away from your work, the most effective method was to remove you from it. You need to rest.

That's not-...I-...you--

[How very well articulated. Waver visibly weighed his options and if dying on this hill was worth the strain and reinforcement magecraft before deciding both that and the resulting argument would not be worth it. So he opted to sulk instead.]

That was not fair and you know it.

Edited 2023-08-15 01:19 (UTC)

[If he did that, he would have been tired AND Diarmuid would have caught him anyway. His reinforcement against Diarmuid's natural speed, absolute loss.

It made things easier for both of them this way, and it would be a lie to say Diarmuid didn't feel full pride at that victory given the way his brows briefly rose with the flash of a smile. Get owned, nerd.

It was but a flash, though, as something Waver said a moment ago made him wonder.]

You've been retiring to bed late since I arrived here, and I can only assume long before. Why do you have such trouble sleeping, Waver?

I-...

[The startled look on Waver's face upon being asked that question made two things very clear. One: he could not lie to Diarmuid.]

It's not-...I just...

[Two: part of him really, really wanted to try.]

...I haven't slept well since the war ended. [He shrugged, not quite meeting Diarmuid's eyes.] I can usually manage it better than this, but with all the Krusnik shit happening, it's been difficult again.

Since the war ended... [And parts of it kept going after he died. Rose's frantic words in the Krusnik base came to mind and made his own eyes stray from Waver's as well. That inner turmoil wouldn't leave him and it would seem he'd be reminded of it sooner than he thought.

Ironic how there was much he did not want to openly admit, yet he expected his Master to do just that. But he wasn't with the insomnia.

On its own this would explain enough. On Diarmuid's mind was what happened in the base combined with when said insomnia started.]

It is enough to keep most awake at night. [...] Has the situation with Krusnik brought memories from the war to mind?

...

[Waver didn't answer right away, shuffling over to give Diarmuid space to sit next to him.]

I can still...smell blood and river water and rotting fish from that fucking monster. [Whether he meant Caster or the monster was irrelevant.] Just as clearly as I can still feel the heat from Fuyuki burning. Hundreds of people died that night, between the fighting and the Grail nearly manifesting. [Over five hundred, and Waver tried very hard not to think about the exact number. Countless more injured, and none of that was counting Caster's list of corpses.]

And none of them...knew why. None of them were involved in any of this shit, none of them deserved to die terrified and in pain. I must have sworn a thousand times I never wanted to see it happen again. Mages don't give a damn if innocent people die. They're all like Krusnik; as long as it serves their purpose, no amount of sacrifice matters.

[Naturally, Diarmuid sat right by his side just where he belonged. And he listened. Intently and empathetically.

That Caster and the Mion River still haunted him ten years after the fact. Even Diarmuid with all his memories of the time restored in this place still thought about it, still remembered how livid he was upon the sight of Caster's lair, the somber nature of his destruction of it. Relief that it would never see activity again, mourning that anything happened there at all.

The rest of his machinations running amok and in the end everything being eliminated by Gilgamesh anyway. That part he could understand. He did what he needed to, acted as he always would, but it stuck with him.

He did not see the aftermath of the Grail's near manifestation.

He was dead. He got Waver far enough at the cost of himself. He had no regrets in seeing his Master live but his inner turmoil broiled knowing that he lived to immediately witness such a massacre. Then to throw himself into the crux of Mage society who were no better than the people they just faced.]

They hold no regard for human life. Even those that were long taken from us. [Diarmuid was a Knight, a Fighter, a Warrior, a man who had seen much in his relatively short life. He understood Waver's fear here, that which kept him awake at the oddest hours.

This wasn't something Diarmuid could fend off.

He did not regret his decision that day. But as it was...] I was not there for you after the end of the war. Forgive me.

[He could give no apology that mattered, but it was heavy in his tone even as he spoke again.]

I will be here for you now.

[Waver curled in on himself at Diarmuid's words, knees pulled to his chest and face hidden in his arms. Pathetic. Pathetic how he fell apart so easily like he was still the frightened child who froze up at the faintest trace of danger. Weak and frightened of past shadows, each a scar on his heart as vividly aching as the moment they'd been inflicted if April was any indication.]

I-I'm sorry. [He barely managed to force the words out.]

It...it was my fault. I was a weak failure of a mage, and I couldn't save you. I can't-... [Waver's voice cracked harshly, like something had suddenly caught in his throat.] ...I'm sorry.

[Diarmuid would disagree with him a thousand times. His strength would surpass any knight being able to live and fight the battles he has despite his mental scarring.

He was weak in a number of ways. It was the weakness that made him powerful.

When Waver apologized to him he tensed. Moreso as he started to shrink into himself and without thinking his arm went around Waver's back. Guilt welled up and overflowed inside of him. He was supposed to protect Waver, and that day he did but it was his actions that made everything hurt worse in the long run.

All over again. He was just a heartbreaker to his very core, wasn't he? Leaving people behind to their seas of tears and and turning his back on what he pledged himself to.

Treachery was his name. He could only do so much.]

I told you. The fact that you tried was enough. [He meant it. Truly. More than he could ever express.] You have no reason to apologize to me. I am the one who owes it to you... for leaving you to face it all alone. It was not your fault.

[He knew--now better than ever--exactly what those words had meant.]

[Three times had a demigod knight with immense power chosen inaction. Three times had a mage desperately burned his Circuits trying to find power he lacked.]

[Could Oscar ever stand to look at you again after what you did, he'd asked in harsh defiance. The sharp strike Waver had recieved in answer spoke volumes to the opinion of Fionn's grandson following that day.]

I...don't get me wrong, okay? I'm grateful, I really am. Without you, I'd be dead--if Irisviel hadn't found me, we both probably would be. That order was one I gave hoping you would...that you would act without thinking about what I might have thought about it. That you would-...that you would do what you wanted, as a knight and not a Servant.

You were right, and you didn't do anything you need to apologize for. But when all was said and done, my first and only friend still died in my arms, Diarmuid. And there's never been anyone left to blame for that but myself.

Edited 2023-08-16 00:42 (UTC)

[He did not begrudge the inaction. He did not blame his lord at the time. Nor would he ever given what he did.

...

Waver tried. Waver tried. At great expense to himself.

That is why Diarmuid would reach to the edge of the sky and beyond to find his star. Even if it was small. Even if it flickered out for a time, he would know where to look.]

I will have no regrets so long as you are able to keep on living. Your life is worth more than you know to more than just myself. So long as you life, my demise will never be a waste. I did what I believed was right...

["... but I can’t take seeing anyone else lay down their life either. Not again."

He wouldn't break his promise to Rose. He wouldn't break his honor as a knight.

And as both before his Master, he would repeat.]

I swore this oath to someone, one of your friends. And here now I shall make the same to you. I promise you, on all the honor of the Fianna. I will protect you, but I will not die.

I will keep you safe... we will both survive whatever comes to pass in the future.

[Waver scowled--at himself far more than anything else--and swiped the back of his hand over his eyes before turning to wrap his arms tightly around Diarmuid. Fine, so he was weak. So he was afraid. That was why he needed another--why the pair of them worked in tandem. Covering each other's faults and compensating with each other's strengths granted to the other.]

...don't you dare...ever leave me again.

[His voice shook all the same now as it did years before as he promised to become a guiding star. As it had only months before, confessing his faults and failures to Saber.]

I can't lose you again.

[One could act alone, but there wouldn't be someone to balance their faults. To inform them when a decision can be altered or adjusted for the better. Strategy required multiple eyes. Partnerships strengthened each person.

Diarmuid was not infallible. Waver allowed the best to be brought out of him. To have the liberty to speak. There would be times he hesitated, where both of them did, and the other would bring them out of it.

That was what spelled success. That was the reason why Waver's Lancer wouldn't lose. It was because of Waver. Diarmuid's arms came around his Master in a firm hold.]

You won't lose me. I swear.

[Even ten years and tireless work later, Waver still didn't have any noteworthy power as a mage. Even all of his students vastly outclassed him in that regard, a secret he held as close to his chest as one possibly could. What he did have was intellect in the mad recklessness that was his mind, and the ability to utilize his limited abilities alongside those who could do what he could not.]

[Rather than lose himself to a persona of ruthless steel, he could entrust that humanity to someone who could guard it. He could support and guide one immeasurably stronger than him in turn, and in doing so they could both be whatever was needed to protect others.]

[That was why losing him had hurt so badly. Why it felt like the other half of his heart and soul had been torn out and left hollow.]

Diarmuid, I-...

[He quickly bit his tongue against something better left unsaid. It was highly likely that Saber had been right and he had already known as Lancer. Diarmuid would know himself well enough to recognize as much, surely.]

[Even so, he was still afraid to speak the words.]

...

...

[There was something there. On the edge of his tongue, in the depths of his heart blooming, blossoming. Threatening to break free from the broken path that was every rejection he gave ending at the one he could not, lest everything he fought for fall apart.

And for all he failed, for all he hurt Waver he had less right than ever to let that petal free. The bramble weaved path would be the one he walked as he kept Waver safe.

This way was...]

You should try to get some rest again. I cannot fend off the demons in your dreams, but I will be here to remind you they're in the past if they disrupt your sleep.

...you should...try to get some sleep yourself.

[He couldn't do it. Even knowing what Saber had said, he couldn't take that risk knowing it might destroy everything. If it came down to breaking his own heart or breaking Diarmuid's, then...well, that wasn't even really a choice at all, was it?]

[...Even so, that didn't stop Waver from holding tightly like he feared the knight could still vanish into nothing under his hands again.]

You're really going to stay here?

[Diarmuid was happy to break his own heart. Call it penance to tread this path of pain, as long as Waver was alive.

Waver wasn't even wrong, Diarmuid had also been up and out late and he seemed to require sleep again since coming back to life here. He gave the best, most assuring smile he could muster behind the deep sadness in his heart.]

I'm not going anywhere.

...alright. You win.

[He was, admittedly, exhausted. The maddening solitude of an empty apartment was gone when it was less empty, and it was remarkable how many things he simply couldn't find the point in worrying about with Diarmuid nearby.]

[As long as he was alive, as long as he was happy, as long as they were together--that was enough. He could keep his silence knowing that was the case, or at least that was what Waver told himself.]

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